Tag Archive: Humor


     I’m spending my copious free time at work this morning surfing through old hockey videos and reading news stories while sitting outside of my State Managers office…kind of like career chicken.  It fun to see how quickly I can change screens to something “work like” before he can refocus his eyes on my laptop screen.  I guess he can’t bitch though, one of the videos I watched this morning, was sent by him so just gonna put that ammo in my pocket and wait. So here’s my take on some of the news I read…

      Did you see these lazy FLID ass clowns?  They are smart enough to come up with a plan to get someone else to take their SATs for them, but totally dumb enough to get caught.   For those of you wondering what a FLID is: My college hockey coach used this all the time to refer to people from Long Island as FLIDs = Fucking Long Island Dick.  I digress…6…yes SIX students paid a college student between $1,500 and $2,500 a pop to take the exam…Sam Eshagoff took exams for 6 students. There was a 7th student, who did not get charges levied because Sam didn’t make her pay…wonder what she gobbled in lieu of payment?  Hey if you can’t work your way to the top…I guess try buying or fucking your way there.

      A British man got parts of both his legs bitten off by a Great White Shark while swimming off a beach in South Africa after ignoring warning of sharks in the water…Darwin missed him by that much!

      DEAR. GOD. MAKE. IT. STOP.  Nancy Grace’s nipple slip was a Wardrobe mishap that kept people all over this world from eating…I just got my appetite back this morning when I read she defended herself by producing the pasties she had on…Thanks Nancy Grace…I now will go another day purging everything I eat.

      At the Albany International Airport (dubbed “international” due to the flock of geese that take off for Toronto daily) they found a Montana woman with a loaded handgun concealed in her purse.  She got halfway across the country with it in her purse before being caught….TSA fail or 2nd amendment win?  Did she not realize they check for this shit?  Nope.  She “forgot” she was carrying a loaded handgun…fucking retard.

      On a lighter note a Man in Florida dressed up like an ice cream cone to promote business for his friend’s ice cream shop, but people mistook the man wearing a Vanilla swirl cone topped with colorful sprinkles for a KKK protestor…yeah apparently a REALLY flamboyant KKK member….they have those right?

      A woman was injured in DC’s General Services Building when the toilet she was sitting on was exploded due to back pressure…told you the shit was deeeeeep in DC…no word on the woman’s condition after her shitty day (bad joke drum roll)

      After 4 years of fighting to “prove” Retired U.S. Army Sgt. Maj. Rob Dickerson was in fact injured by a rocket attack in Iraq, he received his purple heart…and the COD Bill for $21…Oh!  You served abroad?  Fuck you, pay me!

      After waiting outside a Taco Bell in Ga., a man grabbed a women walking out and handcuffed himself to her.  His reason: He’d been trying to get her to go out with him for a while and she had been refusing….hey future rapist, you are doing it wrong!

      Thanks again for reading…


Adult Truths (Part 2)

           Well here it is, the long awaited sequal to my post yesterday…I know all 8 people that viewed my bog yesterday are DYING to read this, but please keep in mind sequels rarely live up to expectations…Grease 2, Val Kilmer as Batman, George Bush’s 2nd term…

             I’m working from home this morning so bear with my inability to tear myself away from Maury Povich’s Baby daddy testing to keep my thoughts flowing together, but paying attention is not my strong suit:

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.   Apparently being alive during a good chunk of the computer’s life on Earth has not helped most adults realize that even though we have taken computers from hardware that fills up a bunker to an iPad, they still can ONLY do what you tell them to.  Artificial Intelligence will never trump Natural Stupidity.  If you open a document, and you press the space bar at any time, YOU MADE A CHANGE!  If it is not on the original document then it’s different, even if you add a space and then delete it…to us higher life forms the finished product isn’t changed, however the work product has changed dipshit.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. Hell-to-the-mother-fucking-yes.  I have numbers in my phone who are in there as DO NOT ANSWER.  I am really bad about talking on the phone…I absolutely hate it but for some people I do it (I am addicted to texting though).   If I don’t answer your call EVER or I don’t return your call or text you back you should be getting the hint, Einstein.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.  Yeah the quick heating of a light bulb combined with the deep freeze of a freezer would add tasty morsels of glass shards to your frozen goods.  Physics and chemistry people…I know you slept through those classes or slept with someone to pass the classes in High school, then avoided them altogether in College…but they still apply.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. Agreed…plus it’s more practical to woo her pants off with and $18 case then a $500 ring.  I means guys are stupid but we do try to take the path of least resistance…plus get her drunk and the next morning when she regrets it  and she will regret it (easy there, I forgot you were a model) , you are out $1.20 in recyclables and not a ring.  Shit, work smarter…not harder.  Women you need to remember we have 2 heads and only enough blood to run one at a time.  Though on this topic, Kisses may not being with Kay, but I know a lot of screw sessions do.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.  Sorry your Beamer SUV sticks out like a Tranny with a 5 o’clock shadow in these neighborhoods but I promise that feeling of guilt when looking at a those poor unfortunate Kia owners will go away.  Every once in a while we have to go through uncomfortable things and this is just another avoidance of the uncomfortable things in life.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.  That’s natural.  We all have that issue down to the last person.  It’s what you do with that split second decision that defines you.  You see you can go grab that bag of chips and leave crumbs in the aptly named lazy chair then toss the bag on the table next to you and nap…OR you can grab a spoonful of peanut butter (…or you can give a BJ totally up to you…protein cures the hunger/boredom thing) and go about your business like cleaning or going for the walk I mentioned in my last post.  See it all comes full circle.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said? I go with about 3, after that if another adult can’t get the marbles out of their mouth and speak to you like a person, then what they have to say probably impact your life goals anyways.  You can ignore people, it’s ok.  I just try avoiding ignoring my wife because it costs me money every God damn time.

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! Holy shit I hope there is a certain circle deep in Hell for the assholes that see traffic and drive up to squeeze in further up the line…FUCK YOU I waited in this line to get where I am, so can you.  I propose all 8 people that have read this blog to pledge to keep assholes like this from cutting in…Spread the word, we need this to happen or more Highway gun murders are going to happen.  FACT 
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.   Contrary to lazy ass beliefs, pants do, in fact, get dirty. Cornell just finished a study on this and there is proof.  Have I been guilty of wearing pants 2 days in a row?  Only every week…however, when your own swamp ass starts to get Spanish Moss and Gators, it may be time to pull the old switcher-oo. 

22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.  Senility is a bitch..do you know what time it is?

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. Because that fucker wakes me up…I don’t like to be woken up.  Lets extrapolate this argument a  bit though, for funsies…All people can find their keys in their pocket, look at their faces while looking…they are playing pocket pool…2 ball corner pocket  AHHHHH.  Trouble finding a cell phone?  Call it; oh you left it on silent?  Jackass …you deserve to lose it.  You know what solves that?  Go buy a new phone, because as SOON as the return period is over for the new one, you’ll find the old one…problem solved.  If any asshole wakes me up playing pin the tail on the Donkey,  I will end them by playing pin the tail on their Jugular.

      Thanks for listening…Comment…it makes my frown flatten out.

          I found this list floating around the internet during my work day.  I currently have copious amounts of free time due to the Mongolian shit show that is my company.  We have 3 MB of upload AND download bandwidth available….for both the phones and web in an office of 70 people!!  Oh by the way, we are an internet company…yup…you have to enjoy it when everyone walks in the door and their first question is “Does the internet work?”.   We’d be doing better using 4 hungry honey badgers chasing each other on a hamster wheel to power the internet here….

          Ok I got completely off topic, but you’ll find that…well it’s what I do.  I have the attention span of a squirrel on meth.  This list made me reflect some on my adult life and my need to not be a part of it…

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die – Dear God, if my wife found out about the sheer amount of porn and fucked up shit I downloaded she’d bury me face down so she could continue to boot my rotting ass till kingdom come.  I have discussed the need for a good close friend that will come and remove all the freaky shit from my home should I be crushed by a logging truck.   I need a personal assistant for my deviant nature.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.  – No shit!!  Come live my life for 10 minutes…married to lawyer.  We argue and I immediately concede due to the fact that I am a blathering moron and she has a modicum of intelligence.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger  – I had no fucking clue I could have banked these!  So now I am trying to catch up with this while at work.  It has its draw backs…like trips to the principal’s bosses’ office to discuss my lack of enthusiasm for writing reports of audits that haven’t taken place.  This from the boss who has her blinds closed 90% of the day and the office door closed doing god knows what under or on their desk or just plain out not doing a damn thing but appearing busy.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. – YES! Please!  And the ability to say anything you want as long as this font is utilized.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? OK this one’s not hard you dumb ass…don’t use the elastic as the corners…there are stitched corners on the fabric.  Use your God damn grey matter for more than ass scratching and sniffing your finger to see if it really smells.

6. Was learning cursive really necessary? It made you do shit with your left brain in school…stop complaining!  Its lazy assholes like you that are working on getting cursive removed from the curriculum.  “It’s too hard”..Fuck you, how about you try being a parent instead of a “looky at me” asswipe trying to deflect attention because little Susie can’t figure out her cursive…yeah don’t teach her to tackle adversity…teach her how to whine and bitch her way out of it.  Great parenting!

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.  Agreed…Maybe not everyone knows, so maybe an options for “Start at the Highway” or “I’m a fucking moron start at my driveway” should be instated…that or you could do what everyone else does and hide those  steps…god  forbid you be inconvenienced by a mouse click.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. Do you realize the ways in which people die?  Do you want to read that Old Man Murphy down the street died while wearing a corset and having an overenthusiastic hooker choke him until he turned blue?  Or that 5 year old you bitched about screaming at 8 O’clock at night was actually getting beat each time your self-righteous ass was complaining the screams were interrupting your precious Jeopardy time….

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.  Back to the nap thing…could we have banked the sleep, or maybe allowed to nap during the workday like the Japanese are, we might be ok.   It’s because we all feel this need to do ALL THE THINGS coupled with the fact that we are a fat, mouth breathing society may have something to do with being tired.   Go to the gym, work out a bit, gain a little energy…honestly the next time you put down the Baconator burger with Large fries and Diet coke (who the fuck are you kidding…really?…God knows your ass isn’t at the gym reading this), pick up a 10 pound weight and think that if you just walked 3 times a week that shit would drop off your body and you’d be less tired carting it around on a daily basis. 

10. Bad decisions make good stories. As my closest friend,and I always quip..”If it weren’t for bad friends, I’d have none at all”  We’ve done more stupid 16 year old shit together as 30 year olds then most people do in a life time…like grabbing a cover off a fire because “No fucking way this could be hot if I dip my hand in ice water first….

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.  – It started today at 8:30… Not doing a damn thing all day unless forced.  Just my little “Screw you” to the man!

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.  Agreed…marketing bullshit…or you could just Netflix or stream them and not have all the CD/Blue Ray/VHS covers (where the fuck did the tape that goes in this sleeve even go?) all over your living room…seriously do you even have a VCR anymore?…Stop hording and get with the times…

          I was going to do this rest of the list all in one Post, but I have so little brain wave function that if I tried to do it right now I would explode.  Part 2 coming soon…if the internet stays afloat…