I forgot I wanted to tell you about my instigating self this weekend and forgot to….

      So t his weekend I successfully:

  • Got punch by a woman I didn’t know and hadn’t yet spoken to directly – Mentioned this Saturday but never expounded
  • Instigated public urination
  • Planted the seeds of a successful theft.

      The punch came from me being mean to an unfortunately dressed woman.  She had crocheted Ugg boots that were not buttoned up and flopped over, she had tights that were too short, a sweater dress that was too long, and gold bag that set off the outfit perfectly.  I said she’s fucked up looking but I’d still do her…my wife and friends laughed, a woman behind me threw an angry jab into my ribs.  I spun around and her man-friend looked freaked out…I shook her hand, told her I was impressed, then realized she was cross-eyed HAMMERED. I found out she was an OBGYN and liked to look at vaginas.  We have SO much in common.

      The parking lot next to the Irish bar had a car left over from the night before and they decided to block it in with the Port-a-potties.    The owner must have been scared shitless for his car’s safety.  I was in line waiting for a pee, and a guy behind me says to his friend:

Him: “Dude I wanna piss on that car.”

Me: “Why on the car?  Why not IN the gas tank?”

His friend: “DUDE totally”

Him: “We can’t.  The gas tanks open from the inside.”

Me: “Not on the Chrysler 300” …Pushing the gas tank door open…

Him & his friend: “We’re in…” …then they were

Me:  🙂

      My friend and his hammered DD, were standing next to the boot chugging booth, when the two frat boy douche bags in lederhosen were putting a bullhorn in my ear drum and screaming at me for not wanting to chug “das boot”.  After 10 minutes of this irritating behavior, their attention was grabbed by some skank-a-licious frat girls severely underdressed for the weather.   So I looked and my two drunk friends and said “someone should teach them a lesson by stealing the boot”.  And it was done.  The Drunks were off faster than a prom dress and 3 minutes later, lederhosen douche realized it was gone and ran after them in his German knickers…the drunks made it out safe.   Well played boys….

3 more reasons to add to my list of reasons why I am on the short track to hell…