I found this list floating around the internet during my work day.  I currently have copious amounts of free time due to the Mongolian shit show that is my company.  We have 3 MB of upload AND download bandwidth available….for both the phones and web in an office of 70 people!!  Oh by the way, we are an internet company…yup…you have to enjoy it when everyone walks in the door and their first question is “Does the internet work?”.   We’d be doing better using 4 hungry honey badgers chasing each other on a hamster wheel to power the internet here….

          Ok I got completely off topic, but you’ll find that…well it’s what I do.  I have the attention span of a squirrel on meth.  This list made me reflect some on my adult life and my need to not be a part of it…

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die – Dear God, if my wife found out about the sheer amount of porn and fucked up shit I downloaded she’d bury me face down so she could continue to boot my rotting ass till kingdom come.  I have discussed the need for a good close friend that will come and remove all the freaky shit from my home should I be crushed by a logging truck.   I need a personal assistant for my deviant nature.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.  – No shit!!  Come live my life for 10 minutes…married to lawyer.  We argue and I immediately concede due to the fact that I am a blathering moron and she has a modicum of intelligence.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger  – I had no fucking clue I could have banked these!  So now I am trying to catch up with this while at work.  It has its draw backs…like trips to the principal’s bosses’ office to discuss my lack of enthusiasm for writing reports of audits that haven’t taken place.  This from the boss who has her blinds closed 90% of the day and the office door closed doing god knows what under or on their desk or just plain out not doing a damn thing but appearing busy.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. – YES! Please!  And the ability to say anything you want as long as this font is utilized.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? OK this one’s not hard you dumb ass…don’t use the elastic as the corners…there are stitched corners on the fabric.  Use your God damn grey matter for more than ass scratching and sniffing your finger to see if it really smells.

6. Was learning cursive really necessary? It made you do shit with your left brain in school…stop complaining!  Its lazy assholes like you that are working on getting cursive removed from the curriculum.  “It’s too hard”..Fuck you, how about you try being a parent instead of a “looky at me” asswipe trying to deflect attention because little Susie can’t figure out her cursive…yeah don’t teach her to tackle adversity…teach her how to whine and bitch her way out of it.  Great parenting!

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.  Agreed…Maybe not everyone knows, so maybe an options for “Start at the Highway” or “I’m a fucking moron start at my driveway” should be instated…that or you could do what everyone else does and hide those  steps…god  forbid you be inconvenienced by a mouse click.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. Do you realize the ways in which people die?  Do you want to read that Old Man Murphy down the street died while wearing a corset and having an overenthusiastic hooker choke him until he turned blue?  Or that 5 year old you bitched about screaming at 8 O’clock at night was actually getting beat each time your self-righteous ass was complaining the screams were interrupting your precious Jeopardy time….

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.  Back to the nap thing…could we have banked the sleep, or maybe allowed to nap during the workday like the Japanese are, we might be ok.   It’s because we all feel this need to do ALL THE THINGS coupled with the fact that we are a fat, mouth breathing society may have something to do with being tired.   Go to the gym, work out a bit, gain a little energy…honestly the next time you put down the Baconator burger with Large fries and Diet coke (who the fuck are you kidding…really?…God knows your ass isn’t at the gym reading this), pick up a 10 pound weight and think that if you just walked 3 times a week that shit would drop off your body and you’d be less tired carting it around on a daily basis. 

10. Bad decisions make good stories. As my closest friend,and I always quip..”If it weren’t for bad friends, I’d have none at all”  We’ve done more stupid 16 year old shit together as 30 year olds then most people do in a life time…like grabbing a cover off a fire because “No fucking way this could be hot if I dip my hand in ice water first….

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.  – It started today at 8:30… Not doing a damn thing all day unless forced.  Just my little “Screw you” to the man!

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.  Agreed…marketing bullshit…or you could just Netflix or stream them and not have all the CD/Blue Ray/VHS covers (where the fuck did the tape that goes in this sleeve even go?) all over your living room…seriously do you even have a VCR anymore?…Stop hording and get with the times…

          I was going to do this rest of the list all in one Post, but I have so little brain wave function that if I tried to do it right now I would explode.  Part 2 coming soon…if the internet stays afloat…