Friday is this week’s new news day….

Last week I wrote about news because, well I had no work to do.  This week, I finally got work to do and now I am done….again.  So I figured I will delve in to a few more news stories I read today.  There are some real jackasses on this planet and sometimes I kinda feel like this:

Without further ado…your news:

• MSN released a cheery list of  nine jobs we will lose to robots one day. Among them Lawyers (have fun paying that leftover school loan when Johnny-5 is taking your Partner promotion or arguing why someone shouldn’t be allowed to have a child), Babysitter (Jetson’s here we come), Reporters (No more opinions from the brain, just straight news)
• Herbert Chavez, 35, of the Philipines had surgeries to make himself look like Superman, with surgeries dating back to 1995.  Couldn’t you have just tried to fly off a 20 story building and saved us all the time in our lives it took to read that article?
• Florida Law makers are looking to repeal “Dwarf Tossing” Laws…I will not be visiting Florida any time soon I guess.  The main reasoning…its better that they can be tossed then go Jobless….

• In New Castle, Pa, some gentleman have been held on account of theft…OF A BRIDGE!  This fucker was 50 feet long  and done over a period of time.  Apparently there is too many other crimes in New Castle for Barney Fife to notice a missing 50 foot bridge.
• In East Yorkshire, England, the classroom children are no longer allowed to raise their hand in class to ask questions.  Why you say? It will lead to a calmer classroom (please refer to picture above).  What must they do instead?  Give the ole Fonz ‘thumbs up’ as demonstrated below by the master himself:

• And not to be outdone, at a Chili contest in Edinburgh, Scotland 2 contestants were hospitalized after eating the “nuclear chili” option.  10 of the 20 contests dropped out after “witnessing the first 10 diners vomiting, collapsing, sweating and panting. “

Enjoy your weekend.

It is what it is…but what the hell IS it?

I have been staring at this blank screen for the past hourI can find a million ways to avoid writing something but I can’t think of anything to write.  I guess this is something we all go through, but I have only 8 god damn posts…premature blog-asm?  I already blew my load I guess.

I have been in this conversation with another blogger about life in general…its what sparked my touchy feely rant.  Now, I am totally confused.  I thought I was clear headed…I know what I want, I know what I wanna feel like.  I know where I wanna be…but what if I am not wanted there?  What if what I wanna feel like isn’t what I am supposed to feel like?  What if I have been tricking myself into thinking what it is…is not what it is at all? 

Some books can be easily read, for fun not a moral, and you can enjoy the ride it takes you on and the grip it has on you.   The question I am trying to answer is do I continue to read this book I am reading until I am so bored of it that I resent the book itself? Do I get a magazine for a quick read to take my mind off the tough read?  Or do I wait on this book I have been waiting to be published????

Tree fucking hippy touchy feely shit

     I have no idea what to write about this morning…it could be due to my 5 hours of sleep last night, or  my needy dog trying to tell me I need to play with her more by dropping a toy on my head…at 2 am.  Either way I am exhausted to the hilt.   I had a productive day yesterday though.  Started out down and out and ready to give up on my goals, needs, wants and all that happy horse shit but I decided to go for a run to clear my head.  I needed it bad.  I got to thinking about all the reasons I can’t meet my goal and that I was deluding myself into trying to achieve them.   Then I told myself to man the fuck up and take control of the sitch. 

      I found that if I focused on how I will feel when I accomplish my goal, and how proud I will be when I tell people what I have achieved, I found the negative melting away, the pain was much easier to swallow and the goal was that much closer to being achieved.  I need to surround myself with positive people and thoughts and positive shit will happen.  I just want to be happy and have something to be proud of. 

      I apologize for this not being my usual spunky self but I needed to get heavy shit off my chest.  While I am on the happy touchy feely shit, I want to thank everyone who has been reading…I am not sure if it’s my one friend checking it out 10 times a day, plus some random internet misclicks or if my slop is actually being read.  If you read, leave me a message and let me know if its good and you want more ranting irrational writing, or if its bad and you are just passing through.  I just don’t wanna waste anyone’s time….

For your moment of Zen check out the video of Sarah Churman at Huffington Post..a 29 year old woman that heard her voice for the first time.

…I totally forgot…I’m an asshole.

      I forgot I wanted to tell you about my instigating self this weekend and forgot to….

      So t his weekend I successfully:

• Got punch by a woman I didn’t know and hadn’t yet spoken to directly – Mentioned this Saturday but never expounded
• Instigated public urination
• Planted the seeds of a successful theft.

      The punch came from me being mean to an unfortunately dressed woman.  She had crocheted Ugg boots that were not buttoned up and flopped over, she had tights that were too short, a sweater dress that was too long, and gold bag that set off the outfit perfectly.  I said she’s fucked up looking but I’d still do her…my wife and friends laughed, a woman behind me threw an angry jab into my ribs.  I spun around and her man-friend looked freaked out…I shook her hand, told her I was impressed, then realized she was cross-eyed HAMMERED. I found out she was an OBGYN and liked to look at vaginas.  We have SO much in common.

      The parking lot next to the Irish bar had a car left over from the night before and they decided to block it in with the Port-a-potties.    The owner must have been scared shitless for his car’s safety.  I was in line waiting for a pee, and a guy behind me says to his friend:

Him: “Dude I wanna piss on that car.”

Me: “Why on the car?  Why not IN the gas tank?”

His friend: “DUDE totally”

Him: “We can’t.  The gas tanks open from the inside.”

Me: “Not on the Chrysler 300” …Pushing the gas tank door open…

Him & his friend: “We’re in…” …then they were

Me:  🙂

      My friend and his hammered DD, were standing next to the boot chugging booth, when the two frat boy douche bags in lederhosen were putting a bullhorn in my ear drum and screaming at me for not wanting to chug “das boot”.  After 10 minutes of this irritating behavior, their attention was grabbed by some skank-a-licious frat girls severely underdressed for the weather.   So I looked and my two drunk friends and said “someone should teach them a lesson by stealing the boot”.  And it was done.  The Drunks were off faster than a prom dress and 3 minutes later, lederhosen douche realized it was gone and ran after them in his German knickers…the drunks made it out safe.   Well played boys….

3 more reasons to add to my list of reasons why I am on the short track to hell…

Sunday…that’s my realization day

      The post Oktoberfest weekend was a letdown of sorts.  I spent the day digging holes in the mud and finding out the ass mongrel that owned the house before me successfully hid another cob job.  The drain outside my backdoor floods the basement so I decided to dig it up and try and fix it.  He said he had connected it to the sewer…and by sewer he must have meant 2 feet inside the retaining wall.  The drain stopped against a buried 3 foot wall, and that is why we flood.   In the process of repairing I learned: you can easily bend a saber saw blade on PVC; I can put a flat head bit through my finger tip; and that Dexter is a fucking amazing show.

      OK so learning about Dexter was more of a “after project” realization, but all the same  I love that show.  It’s on HBO and if you haven’t seen it, I recommend it.   Dexter is a blood spatter expert with Miami PD…and a serial killer, killer.   He kills the criminals that the cops don’t catch.  Pretty sweet, but his inner monologue is the best part of the show.

     I run about a 9 minute mile right now, and I need to be down to around an 8 minute mile in 4 weeks.  I am embarking on a 4 week plan of:

• Monday: Time trial (run as fast as I can for the mile and a half to see my time)
• Tuesday: Swim interval laps
• Wednesday: Run intervals
• Thursday: Bike
• Friday: Run intervals
• Saturday and Sunday – Vomit for two days straight…

      I am training for something, and I haven’t made it 100% public yet but I hope to meet my goal so I can make it totally public.   In interest of my need to ramble today I have decided I hate my job with a major passion.  There is 1 person here I like talking to and that is it.  I feel unaccomplished.  Like I am doing nothing good with my career, not making a difference and all that jazz. 

      A needed change is on the horizon and I am, for once, in complete control of the situation…Good feeling.

Willkommen zum Oktoberfest

 I spent the day working my part time job in the morning and going to Oktoberfest in Downtown Albany.   They closed off a few blocks and my inner German comes out…without the tiny little mustache and very angry screaming.  I am almost totally Irish, but today I enjoyed my tiny bit of German heritage with Liters of beer but my Irish heritage was celebrated by the pub across the street…Got a good picture of the American, Irish and German flag flying proudly downtown… 

Me: Oktoberfest. Meg: Franzikaner

 

All of me under one small sky

They had some cool shit coupled with people who most likely do not look in the mirror before they leave the house…I passed so many comments about one girl that a woman overheard me and punched me in the arm for being mean.  Then we had a drink together and laughed about her ridiculous boots and Gold Satchel.   They had a lot to do as I had said: A unicycle riding  fire juggler(not sure just HOW ethnically accurate that is), Betty’s Cupcake Double Decker bus (the 2nd floor was all seating to eat) and wiener dog races

Those shoes are the hot shit in this picture

 

 

Guinness. Fucking, Cupcakes.

 The two people in this picture were very unhappy with me…apparently yelling “GO WIENERDOG!!!” in their ear is somehow rude and frowned upon in their establishment.  The guy was a dick…he was like 30 but it looked like time raped his face and took from it all that was young.  His female friend was such a bitch too.  Asked me why the fuck I was taking pictures.  I basically said it was for the local paper and she bought it.  Stupid bitch…yep all serious reporters snap Pulitzer winners with their 3 year old Blackberry…retard.   All in all the races are cute but I know what it’s like to have to run on such stubby legs.   Fuckers made it look easy.

I feel their pain

I am pretty sure my wife hates my guts

     

I was bouncing ideas for blog entries when I jokingly said she hated me…well maybe she doesn’t really HATE my guts per say, but there are many an occasion where I get that look.  The look that says: how did I agree to a lifetime with you?  There are days where that death-til-us-part option must seem like a legit way out. 

Me: “I think I a going to write about the many reasons you hate my guts.”

Meg: “I don’t hate your guts, bubba.”

Me: “…but you told me I would be the first to die in a Zombie Apocalypse.”

Meg: “I don’t hate you.  I just want you to realize your weaknesses in Zombie fighting.  I want you to know before you have the chance to die.”

Me: ” {total WTF face} …”

      This gave me the basis to start thinking about all the other shit she says to me that makes me believe she married me due to her poor eyesight and bad judgment and stayed for lack of better option.

•   “I love you…I just don’t like you right now”
• “Are you fucking serious right now?”
• “If I’ve told you once….”
• “Your family can’t come over any more this week”
• “You have to stop being so negative”
• “GOD! You are a fucking idiot!”
• “The way you drive makes me sick.”

Thursday seems liks a legit news day….

     

     I’m spending my copious free time at work this morning surfing through old hockey videos and reading news stories while sitting outside of my State Managers office…kind of like career chicken.  It fun to see how quickly I can change screens to something “work like” before he can refocus his eyes on my laptop screen.  I guess he can’t bitch though, one of the videos I watched this morning, was sent by him so just gonna put that ammo in my pocket and wait. So here’s my take on some of the news I read…

      Did you see these lazy FLID ass clowns?  They are smart enough to come up with a plan to get someone else to take their SATs for them, but totally dumb enough to get caught.   For those of you wondering what a FLID is: My college hockey coach used this all the time to refer to people from Long Island as FLIDs = Fucking Long Island Dick.  I digress…6…yes SIX students paid a college student between $1,500 and $2,500 a pop to take the exam…Sam Eshagoff took exams for 6 students. There was a 7th student, who did not get charges levied because Sam didn’t make her pay…wonder what she gobbled in lieu of payment?  Hey if you can’t work your way to the top…I guess try buying or fucking your way there.

      A British man got parts of both his legs bitten off by a Great White Shark while swimming off a beach in South Africa after ignoring warning of sharks in the water…Darwin missed him by that much!

      DEAR. GOD. MAKE. IT. STOP.  Nancy Grace’s nipple slip was a Wardrobe mishap that kept people all over this world from eating…I just got my appetite back this morning when I read she defended herself by producing the pasties she had on…Thanks Nancy Grace…I now will go another day purging everything I eat.

      At the Albany International Airport (dubbed “international” due to the flock of geese that take off for Toronto daily) they found a Montana woman with a loaded handgun concealed in her purse.  She got halfway across the country with it in her purse before being caught….TSA fail or 2nd amendment win?  Did she not realize they check for this shit?  Nope.  She “forgot” she was carrying a loaded handgun…fucking retard.

      On a lighter note a Man in Florida dressed up like an ice cream cone to promote business for his friend’s ice cream shop, but people mistook the man wearing a Vanilla swirl cone topped with colorful sprinkles for a KKK protestor…yeah apparently a REALLY flamboyant KKK member….they have those right?

      A woman was injured in DC’s General Services Building when the toilet she was sitting on was exploded due to back pressure…told you the shit was deeeeeep in DC…no word on the woman’s condition after her shitty day (bad joke drum roll)

      After 4 years of fighting to “prove” Retired U.S. Army Sgt. Maj. Rob Dickerson was in fact injured by a rocket attack in Iraq, he received his purple heart…and the COD Bill for $21…Oh!  You served abroad?  Fuck you, pay me!

      After waiting outside a Taco Bell in Ga., a man grabbed a women walking out and handcuffed himself to her.  His reason: He’d been trying to get her to go out with him for a while and she had been refusing….hey future rapist, you are doing it wrong!

      Thanks again for reading…

Adult Truths (Part 2)

           Well here it is, the long awaited sequal to my post yesterday…I know all 8 people that viewed my bog yesterday are DYING to read this, but please keep in mind sequels rarely live up to expectations…Grease 2, Val Kilmer as Batman, George Bush’s 2nd term…

             I’m working from home this morning so bear with my inability to tear myself away from Maury Povich’s Baby daddy testing to keep my thoughts flowing together, but paying attention is not my strong suit:

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.   Apparently being alive during a good chunk of the computer’s life on Earth has not helped most adults realize that even though we have taken computers from hardware that fills up a bunker to an iPad, they still can ONLY do what you tell them to.  Artificial Intelligence will never trump Natural Stupidity.  If you open a document, and you press the space bar at any time, YOU MADE A CHANGE!  If it is not on the original document then it’s different, even if you add a space and then delete it…to us higher life forms the finished product isn’t changed, however the work product has changed dipshit.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. Hell-to-the-mother-fucking-yes.  I have numbers in my phone who are in there as DO NOT ANSWER.  I am really bad about talking on the phone…I absolutely hate it but for some people I do it (I am addicted to texting though).   If I don’t answer your call EVER or I don’t return your call or text you back you should be getting the hint, Einstein.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.  Yeah the quick heating of a light bulb combined with the deep freeze of a freezer would add tasty morsels of glass shards to your frozen goods.  Physics and chemistry people…I know you slept through those classes or slept with someone to pass the classes in High school, then avoided them altogether in College…but they still apply.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. Agreed…plus it’s more practical to woo her pants off with and $18 case then a $500 ring.  I means guys are stupid but we do try to take the path of least resistance…plus get her drunk and the next morning when she regrets it  and she will regret it (easy there, I forgot you were a model) , you are out $1.20 in recyclables and not a ring.  Shit, work smarter…not harder.  Women you need to remember we have 2 heads and only enough blood to run one at a time.  Though on this topic, Kisses may not being with Kay, but I know a lot of screw sessions do.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.  Sorry your Beamer SUV sticks out like a Tranny with a 5 o’clock shadow in these neighborhoods but I promise that feeling of guilt when looking at a those poor unfortunate Kia owners will go away.  Every once in a while we have to go through uncomfortable things and this is just another avoidance of the uncomfortable things in life.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.  That’s natural.  We all have that issue down to the last person.  It’s what you do with that split second decision that defines you.  You see you can go grab that bag of chips and leave crumbs in the aptly named lazy chair then toss the bag on the table next to you and nap…OR you can grab a spoonful of peanut butter (…or you can give a BJ totally up to you…protein cures the hunger/boredom thing) and go about your business like cleaning or going for the walk I mentioned in my last post.  See it all comes full circle.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said? I go with about 3, after that if another adult can’t get the marbles out of their mouth and speak to you like a person, then what they have to say probably impact your life goals anyways.  You can ignore people, it’s ok.  I just try avoiding ignoring my wife because it costs me money every God damn time.

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! Holy shit I hope there is a certain circle deep in Hell for the assholes that see traffic and drive up to squeeze in further up the line…FUCK YOU I waited in this line to get where I am, so can you.  I propose all 8 people that have read this blog to pledge to keep assholes like this from cutting in…Spread the word, we need this to happen or more Highway gun murders are going to happen.  FACT 
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.   Contrary to lazy ass beliefs, pants do, in fact, get dirty. Cornell just finished a study on this and there is proof.  Have I been guilty of wearing pants 2 days in a row?  Only every week…however, when your own swamp ass starts to get Spanish Moss and Gators, it may be time to pull the old switcher-oo. 

22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.  Senility is a bitch..do you know what time it is?

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. Because that fucker wakes me up…I don’t like to be woken up.  Lets extrapolate this argument a  bit though, for funsies…All people can find their keys in their pocket, look at their faces while looking…they are playing pocket pool…2 ball corner pocket  AHHHHH.  Trouble finding a cell phone?  Call it; oh you left it on silent?  Jackass …you deserve to lose it.  You know what solves that?  Go buy a new phone, because as SOON as the return period is over for the new one, you’ll find the old one…problem solved.  If any asshole wakes me up playing pin the tail on the Donkey,  I will end them by playing pin the tail on their Jugular.

      Thanks for listening…Comment…it makes my frown flatten out.

Adult truths (part 1)

          I found this list floating around the internet during my work day.  I currently have copious amounts of free time due to the Mongolian shit show that is my company.  We have 3 MB of upload AND download bandwidth available….for both the phones and web in an office of 70 people!!  Oh by the way, we are an internet company…yup…you have to enjoy it when everyone walks in the door and their first question is “Does the internet work?”.   We’d be doing better using 4 hungry honey badgers chasing each other on a hamster wheel to power the internet here….

          Ok I got completely off topic, but you’ll find that…well it’s what I do.  I have the attention span of a squirrel on meth.  This list made me reflect some on my adult life and my need to not be a part of it…

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die – Dear God, if my wife found out about the sheer amount of porn and fucked up shit I downloaded she’d bury me face down so she could continue to boot my rotting ass till kingdom come.  I have discussed the need for a good close friend that will come and remove all the freaky shit from my home should I be crushed by a logging truck.   I need a personal assistant for my deviant nature.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.  – No shit!!  Come live my life for 10 minutes…married to lawyer.  We argue and I immediately concede due to the fact that I am a blathering moron and she has a modicum of intelligence.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger  – I had no fucking clue I could have banked these!  So now I am trying to catch up with this while at work.  It has its draw backs…like trips to the principal’s bosses’ office to discuss my lack of enthusiasm for writing reports of audits that haven’t taken place.  This from the boss who has her blinds closed 90% of the day and the office door closed doing god knows what under or on their desk or just plain out not doing a damn thing but appearing busy.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. – YES! Please!  And the ability to say anything you want as long as this font is utilized.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? OK this one’s not hard you dumb ass…don’t use the elastic as the corners…there are stitched corners on the fabric.  Use your God damn grey matter for more than ass scratching and sniffing your finger to see if it really smells.

6. Was learning cursive really necessary? It made you do shit with your left brain in school…stop complaining!  Its lazy assholes like you that are working on getting cursive removed from the curriculum.  “It’s too hard”..Fuck you, how about you try being a parent instead of a “looky at me” asswipe trying to deflect attention because little Susie can’t figure out her cursive…yeah don’t teach her to tackle adversity…teach her how to whine and bitch her way out of it.  Great parenting!

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.  Agreed…Maybe not everyone knows, so maybe an options for “Start at the Highway” or “I’m a fucking moron start at my driveway” should be instated…that or you could do what everyone else does and hide those  steps…god  forbid you be inconvenienced by a mouse click.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. Do you realize the ways in which people die?  Do you want to read that Old Man Murphy down the street died while wearing a corset and having an overenthusiastic hooker choke him until he turned blue?  Or that 5 year old you bitched about screaming at 8 O’clock at night was actually getting beat each time your self-righteous ass was complaining the screams were interrupting your precious Jeopardy time….

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.  Back to the nap thing…could we have banked the sleep, or maybe allowed to nap during the workday like the Japanese are, we might be ok.   It’s because we all feel this need to do ALL THE THINGS coupled with the fact that we are a fat, mouth breathing society may have something to do with being tired.   Go to the gym, work out a bit, gain a little energy…honestly the next time you put down the Baconator burger with Large fries and Diet coke (who the fuck are you kidding…really?…God knows your ass isn’t at the gym reading this), pick up a 10 pound weight and think that if you just walked 3 times a week that shit would drop off your body and you’d be less tired carting it around on a daily basis. 

10. Bad decisions make good stories. As my closest friend,and I always quip..”If it weren’t for bad friends, I’d have none at all”  We’ve done more stupid 16 year old shit together as 30 year olds then most people do in a life time…like grabbing a cover off a fire because “No fucking way this could be hot if I dip my hand in ice water first….

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.  – It started today at 8:30… Not doing a damn thing all day unless forced.  Just my little “Screw you” to the man!

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.  Agreed…marketing bullshit…or you could just Netflix or stream them and not have all the CD/Blue Ray/VHS covers (where the fuck did the tape that goes in this sleeve even go?) all over your living room…seriously do you even have a VCR anymore?…Stop hording and get with the times…

          I was going to do this rest of the list all in one Post, but I have so little brain wave function that if I tried to do it right now I would explode.  Part 2 coming soon…if the internet stays afloat…